so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
