my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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