I accidentally burped into my bong.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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