Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
