I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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