I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
