you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
