why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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