Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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