Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
