Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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