ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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