Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
