: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
