my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
