Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
