When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish i was in the wii world.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
