Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
