the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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