That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
