like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Even my vagina gasped.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
