Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So here I am, sexting at work.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
