I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
