i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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