I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
