i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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