I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
