Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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