I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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