he was CRYING into my vagina
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
