i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
