I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
