i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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