My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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