wanna go halves on a baby?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
