if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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