I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
