What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
