Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
