Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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