i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
