You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
