I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
