My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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