remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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