He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
