I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
