By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
