NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
