Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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